My hearts a little tender tonight,
I’m not sure what sparked it, I’m usually okay 3 out of 4 weeks in a month.
These emotions usually accompany Aunt Flo, but tonight they are very raw and
maybe it’s time to write them down. Jordan and I have been trying for our
second child 21 months now with one miscarriage 15 months ago. Just typing it
out makes me cry. I’m not even sure how
to put onto paper my emotions and thoughts but here goes. If not for me then
maybe for someone else who needs to know they aren’t alone.
I’ve always wanted a big family and
our goal was to have 5, when we conceive Grace after 2 months it felt like that
was a good number to shot for but with each passing month that number seems
more and more impossible. I’ve been living my life month by month for almost
two years and each month that goes by is another month older Grace will be from
any siblings and another month older I will be in general. It also scares me to
think that this is what it will be like each time we try for another. I find
myself thinking “I will be so grateful if I could even just have two”
Another struggle is the conflict
that comes when you hear of other couples pregnancies. I read recently
“Infertility turns you into a jealous person overnight” sadly it’s true. I want
so much to be happy for other women, there is nothing that changed me more and increase
my ability to love than having a child and I want that for others but it’s
seems as though everyone is pregnant but me and I wonder why, what am I doing
wrong? Thankfully I always come around and can feel genuine excitement for
others, until another announcement…
The hardest
part of all of this is the feeling I’m letting my husband and daughter down.
Jordan once told me he doesn’t talk much about it because he doesn’t want me to
feel like it’s my fault, I can see why he would say that, I tend to take it all
on myself. If it was just me wanting another then it would just be me I was
failing but the few time’s he does talk about it I’m pulled into a overwhelming
feeling of guilt, like I’m failing him too. This is in no way his fault, it’s
an effect of me wanting things to be perfect and when they aren’t I want to fix
them, so when I can’t it’s my fault. Then there are the times the my sweet
little girl points out babies in books or at the store and plays with her baby
and I want so bad to tell her we will have our own baby, but I can’t and I’m
afraid I never will… failure number three.
I know our
Heavenly Father has a plan and I’ve had many experiences that teach me His plan
is always better and for our benefit. Just in the last year of this trial I’ve
gained more empathy than I could have imagined. Knowing this doesn’t make it
easier but it does give me a little more understanding and the smallest amount
of comfort that it will all work out. It’s not easy and I don’t think it ever
will be, but until something changes we will continue to pray each day for
another baby.
I do want
to end with, I know that I’m so blessed to have my beautiful daughter and she
is truly a unique and special spirit and wanting another in no way takes away
from her. I love my husband and feel so blessed to have him in my life and if they
are all I get in this life then I’m pretty lucky.
